Memories of Virginia Beach

I remember it so vividly. I'd wake up early in the morning, swing my little feet over the edge of the bed and onto the carpet. I'd see my dad sitting at the table with his cup of coffee from 7-Eleven and a newspaper. I'd grab a chocolate Entenmann's donut and quietly pull the sliding glass door to the side, stepping out onto the balcony.

I'd immediately feel the warm, August morning sun on my skin and hear the soft crashes of the waves in the distance, the seagulls as they swept through the sky just several arm's lengths away, and the clink of bikes as the lifeguards rode in for the new day. It was a typical vacation morning. Just like the vacation mornings the year before, yet, it never got old.

I still remember the peace I'd feel as a young girl - just me and the sights and sounds of those August mornings. Eventually, I'd hear the glass door behind me push open and I'd look to see my mom's sleepy smile as she came out to say good morning to the coast. My brother would soon follow to sit in the morning sun. The three of us would watch as the umbrella and chair rentals were slowly set up and beach-goers started to fill the sand.

Then, it was our turn. After finishing breakfast and throwing on our bathing suits, we'd all walk down to the beach with our arms full of towels, coolers, bags, and chairs... ready for a full day in the sun. My brother and I would throw our stuff down and race into the warm salt water, seeing who would fall first into the sea. It was tradition :)

After that point, it was just me and the sea. I'd flick my hands back and forth through the water, ride the waves in until my knees were scraped up from the ocean floor, and spend the entire day in my favorite place - the ocean.

At night, after getting showered, and going out for dinner on the boardwalk, and walking "The Strip," my brother and I spent hours out on that balcony watching the evening crowd walk, jog, and sit on the boardwalk below us. It was our happy place, our way to re-charge, our time to be a family :)

I'll never forget our family vacations. I'll never forget these Virginia Beach memories from years ago. They hold a special place in my heart and now, whenever I return, my heart is full of all of the above.

All pictures were taken during our "half family" vacation when I went to Virginia Beach with my brother and his little family this past September :)

When I Was A Beautiful Little Fool

"That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

-Daisy, The Great Gatsby

That's me. Little three-year-old Chelsea.
A beautiful little fool.
I love this picture for several reasons.
I don't know why, but I've always viewed this picture as an outsider.
Like I'm just looking at a picture of a happy, little girl.

I see a sprightly, loving, cuddly brunette girl.
Soaking up the sun with a tender heart.
Finding happiness in something so simple.
With her mom just behind her, guiding her, caring for her.

I see myself as the girl before life hit.
The girl who knew how to express herself with only a few words and by dancing through the salt water.
The girl who didn't have to worry or plan or fear.
She just lived.

So, looking back, knowing that is me in the picture, it reminds me...
Reminds me that I was once a beautiful little fool.
But that even if I didn't know it at the time, I was a dreamer and a doer.
A girl who would later face reality head-on.
And that girl would become a woman who'd look back at that picture and smile.
Because, in the end,
life grew her and shaped her and built her.
She'd smile at that picture because, in the end,
I am her and she is I :)

Walking Through the Fire

Something difficult about my "lot in life." I don't know. I mean, I'm healthy. That's all I can ask for. 

The truth is, my life is far from perfect.

I look at life differently now. Losing my mom was my worst nightmare. My biggest fear in life, however inevitable it may be. It makes the other things that happen now seem so small and temporary. You have to decide how you are going to get through the fire...

I went through a lot of unexpected dental drama this past year that, even with dental insurance, cost an arm and a leg and days of pain and missed hours at work. It was horrible. But then I thought about my mom on her death bed. And I found the strength to get through it.

Also, the process of moving to San Diego and settling in here has been physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing. My new life in San Diego has not been rainbows and butterflies 100% of the time. Re-building your own life is so exciting. Re-building it in your most favorite of places is even more exciting. But that's exactly what it is. Re-building. From scratch. Like a house in a new land. You have to start with the foundation and build up and out. There will be structural issues that come up and revisions to the blueprint. But that house will get built. So long as the builder continues and finds ways to continue building up and out no matter the difficulties. No matter how many late nights the builder stays up alone, just trying to make it work. The builder finds the strength. And I have found the strength.

I am constantly reminded to be grateful for the things I do have. And I am reminded of all the things I don't get to take with me in the afterlife. I recently sat on the phone with my dad, discussing his mother's estate and my father's will. Talking about all of the things that will be divided, who will be responsible for what, and what I want to have. It's a horrible conversation to have. All I want is for my parents to always be with me. I didn't want to lose my mom and I don't want to lose my dad one day. But talking about the physical things they'll be leaving behind is yet another reminder that all we take with us is our soul.

My life isn't perfect. My health isn't perfect and I don't even have insurance anymore. I naturally am able to function on little sleep which is a blessing and a curse. [I went to bed at 2:00am and awoke at 5:30.] And I had the gnarliest allergic reaction the other day with hives all over my body and I don't even know for sure what caused it. But, hey... I'm healthy. I hope.

So, the other things in life... the fact that I naturally stress the heck out about all the smallest little details right before an event, the fact that I'm in my twenties and already married and divorced [Go ahead, laugh it up. Some people find it amusing ;) ] and the fact that high school is still something that's very difficult for me to look back on... those things are reminders of what it takes to get through the fire. Somehow. Someway. We can do it. What matters is how we get through. How we come out in the end. Because that strength, those qualities that we earn in the process... that's what we get to take with us when we die.

That's my answer to it all. That's how I overcome the difficult parts of my lot in life. I just have to find the strength in myself, in my mom's spirit, and in my faith in the Universe... to walk through the fire.

Day in the Current Life

The beauty of my life right now is that no two days are the same - a major reason why I do what I do. There are so many pros [as well as a few cons] to not having to work an 8-5 office job like I had done up until this point since college. Working for the surf brand and working on my jewelry line give me the freedom to work from home, or the beach, or a cafe, etc. However, it also means I work all the time. Weekends, nights, 2am in the morning. I need to start practicing better self control. So, join me in one of my "typical yet not so typical" days!

Most mornings during the week start out with some form of coffee and a small breakfast. Just not usually in a cave. And not usually in a cave that makes me appear to be a ghost. It's a lot more exciting when it does happen that way though.

Then the work begins. I'm either in a day-long meeting if it's a Tuesday, running around getting things ready for an event if it's a Friday or a weekend, or doing any other miscellaneous thing for the surf brand like designing, writing, and, planning.

If I'm lucky and do have extra time before the clock strikes midnight, I do one of several things. I go for a run/life cool down in Balboa, go to the gym, get After Sunset jewelry orders made and shipped off, or watch the sunset. But on the weeks leading up to an event or any other major work priority [like this week], these things are hard to come by.

Then, depending on whether or not I have time to try a new recipe, I find something to eat in my fridge, get something work-related done on my laptop while I listen to something I DVR-ed [usually The Voice - don't tell me what's happened because I haven't had time to watch it this week!], get in bed around midnight and either blog or do administrative things for After Sunset until a three-digit time like this one:

My days are usually pretty long with a lot going on but they're not boring. That's for sure. I just have to remind myself to keep life balanced. So, there you have it! A day in the life of Chelsea. What do you think?

Ten Bits of Happiness

Asking me ten things that make me happy is like asking me what qualities I look for in a man. Where the heck do I begin? And because I'm a perfectionist, I want to think of the top ten most important things without leaving anything out. So, this post kind of stresses me out. A post on happiness and I'm stressed out. Typical.

In all honesty though, I am the happiest I have ever been. 
Yep, ever.
I still think that's pretty crazy but it's the truth. I've found myself. I've found my passions. And I'm pursuing them.
Let's talk about my happies, shall we?

1. The Ocean

Always and forever.

My happiness, my escape, the place where it all just makes sense.

2. Acting

Everything about it.

The auditioning. The memorizing. The blocking. The late night and weekend rehearsals. The final production.

This is quite possibly the only thing in my life that literally has always felt inherent. 

3. Music

I'm always listening to music.

Usually the same several songs on repeat at a time.

Here are some current favorites:

+Capital Cities "Safe and Sound" This song makes me HAPPY!

+The Cinema "Picasso"

+Foster the People "Houdini" One of my favorite songs ever.

Other favorites I'm always listening to are Matchbox Twenty & Kavinsky.

4. Pretty Little Liars

It's no secret. [Get it? Got a secret. Can you keep it?]

I've written blog posts about my love for PLL.

Clearly I would play Hanna Marin.

Less than 4 weeks until it comes back! But... who's counting?

5. Volunteering with homeless animals

Fostering animals was one of the biggest blessings of my life.

These 3 little terrors above ripped my arms & legs to shreds but then there were moments like that one.

It was so precious. Helping animals who are helpless... and homeless.

The three kittens, two dogs [and my rescue cat, Stella] will always hold special places in my heart :)

6. Traveling

While I do not enjoy flying, I do enjoy the process of traveling.

And I obviously enjoy driving across the country multiple times too.

But traveling is so eye-opening. Whether you're far off in a distant land with new cultures and languages, or just in another part of your own country... traveling fascinates me.

7. My home

San Diego.

America's Finest City.

It is everything I knew it would be and more.

And it just keeps getting better...

8. Adam Levine when he gets really intense while listening to a performance on The Voice.

9. Ryan Gosling when... well, always. Just Ryan Gosling. Since I was seven.

10. Chocolate. Sushi. Root Beer with In-N-Out. Blueberries with honey & vanilla Greek yogurt. And Sculpin. That's happiness right there.

I was getting too obvious with numbers 1-7 so I figured I'd throw some crazy happy stuff in there as well. There are a lot of things that bring me happiness nowadays. I have a really good feeling that I'll continue to discover new things and places and people that make my smile grow even bigger :)

A Public Apology

Over the weekend, I looked back at some memories throughout the years. Mainly from college and onward. I was going through photo album after photo album on my old laptop, just looking for pictures of my mom and, during this process, I came to some realizations that I feel badly about looking back on.

I apologize for getting so caught up in temporary phases that I ended up losing sight of what was really important.

I'm not talking about my biker shorts phase and don't get me started on my Jellies phase... we all know I'm still not over that one yet. Nor will I ever be. I'm talking about the phases we go through that, at the time, seem like they're the real deal. The forever deal. And everything else takes the back burner while we focus our every effort on that one thing.

I would offer this apology mainly to my mom and my dad but my mom doesn't read my blog anymore [unless you're reading from the afterlife, Mom?! If so, you should comment. It would trip a lot of us out] and my dad doesn't read my blog anymore because reading about my mom is too hard for him. Regardless, they are the two people who had to deal with me the most and for the longest amount of time and I feel horrible for putting so many ridiculous things before them.

There is one phase of my life in particular that pulled my mom and I further apart than we've ever been before. It started about seven months after graduating from college. I dove headfirst into something that I ended up, little by little [without realizing it at the time] losing myself in. And no matter how often or how many times my mom tried to caution me, I refused to listen. It was the beginning of a series of decisions I made that I thought were right for me. But my mom was right in the end. She was right about everything she cautioned me about. Moms really do know best.

Sure, it was life experience. Boy, do I know that! But it really hurts to look back now, a year after I unexpectedly lost her and see all that time that I could have been with her and I was elsewhere putting my energy into the phases that didn't last. And for that, I am deeply sorry.

She's the Thing I Miss Most

How coincidental that today's prompt, "What do you miss most?" is on Mother's Day.

I miss her. My sweet mom.

The one who knew me.
The one who taught me.
The one who helped me.
The one who loved me.

I miss her.

I miss her soft hands.
I miss her sweet smile.
I miss her hugs when we'd sway back and forth.
I miss her doing my hair ever-so-perfectly when I was little.

I miss her.

I miss the sound of her voice.
I miss our dance parties in the car.
I miss accidentally always matching.
I miss our lunch dates, our shopping dates, our movie dates.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I miss all the little things about her.
And I also miss all the big things.
The lessons. The pictures. The laughter. The bond.

I miss my sweet mom.
I miss her deeply.
I miss her painfully.
I miss her unceasingly.
I miss her in a way I just can't seem to express.

I miss my mom.